Skinny Dipping

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Wet and Snowy

Well it's a little on the wet side outside. Can hear the steady beat of rain on the roof of my travel trailer. Here's the forcast: Tonight: Rain and snow this evening, becoming all snow overnight. Snow may be heavy at times. Thunder possible. Low 32F. Winds S at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of precip 80%. 4 to 6 inches of snow expected. Tomorrow: Windy. Snow during the morning will mix with rain at times during the afternoon. Thunder possible. High 41F. Winds SSW at 15 to 25 mph. Chance of precip 80%. 4 to 7 inches of snow expected. I'll believe it when I see it! They're always forecasting stuff like this, only for it to end up dry as a bone.

Redneck Essentials

38 Things For A Redneck To Remember (in rhyming pairs)

1. A virgin don't never drive a Z28
   
2. Never bet the ranch on your prostate
   
   
3. If's it's got an Adam's Apple it's probably a man
   
4. Never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
   
   
5. She didn't accidently get good in bed
   
6. You can't join the church if you're already dead
   
   
7. A work uniform ain't totally nude
   
8. Brim and Vice ain't seafood
   
   
9. When there's guns in the house one better be yours
   
10. Don't be naked next to any fishing lures
    
    
11. If there's Girl Scout cookies she's a little too young
    
12. If you say "I do" be the ugly one
    
    
13. Don't ever let a bald man borrow your comb
    
14. Never play strip poker in a nursing home
    
    
15. Don't blame your pall bearers 'cause they don't show,
    if you're buried in the middle of a Super Bowl
    
    
16. Let people borrow money, they'll leave you alone
    
17. Never fry bacon without a shirt on
    
    
18. Never spray water on a hornet's nest
    
19. A woman rarely aces the driver's test
    
    
20. The sign probably don't really mean "massage"
    
21. Never threaten anybody in camouflage
    
    
22. Say you love her 'til she lays down the butcher knife
    
23. Never put the move on the Boss's wife
    
    
24. She messing 'round on ya if your briefs don't fit
    
25. Never trust a hitchhiker to babysit
    
    
26. Cosmo's never in a happy home
    
27. You can't cut a deal with a kidney stone
    
    
28. A politician ain't got an HMO
    
29. Washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
    
    
30. Don't ridicule a Biker 'bout his tattoo
    
31. If you been married nine times, hell maybe it's you
    
    
32. Doom ain't the same as Donkey Kong
    
33. If he's wearing high heels you might've raised him wrong
    
    
34. The clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
    
35. Don't rent a room from a man named Bates
    
    
36. A tank top's never on a Billionaire
    
37. Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
    
    
38. How many get to Heaven no one knows,
    but Hell'll be asses and elbows