The Mighty French War Machine

Here's a copy of an email I received today, it was titled "The Mighty French War Machine":

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French... Raise both hands if you are French.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay?
A: It's never been shot and only dropped once!